


Comitatus

by Anonymous



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anorexia, Anxiety Disorder, Bulimia, Child Abuse, College, Depression, Eating Disorders, M/M, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Smoking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:06:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29316042
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Unable to live up to such impossible expectations, Bertholdt develops an eating disorder.(In the process of being re-written)
Relationships: Jean Kirstein/Eren Yeager, Reiner Braun/Bertolt Hoover
Comments: 43
Kudos: 92
Collections: anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was really hesitant about posting this as its... personal for me. It touches on many of the things I've struggled with for years. But being that I am such an unfortunate person, I can no longer attend therapy sessions with any of my counselors. Writing is one of the very few coping mechanisms I have that genuinely makes me feel better. As stated in the tags, this story brushes on very heavy topics, so please be wary of that. Nonetheless, I'm hoping this will be somewhat enjoyable for those who read it. 
> 
> Also, I don't have any kind of updating schedule, but I'll try adding more to this story whenever I can. Kudos, comments and criticism is always appreciated.

Like always, things start when he is young.

He's young and sitting across his parents at their usual family dinner. Both of them are conversing about their work day, and other things he's just _too_ _young_ to comprehend. It was the usual tentative small talk that kept going for minutes on end. But he didn't mind, he just sat there and ate because it was the norm.

After a while, his mother raises her voice. She questions why he's eating, why after receiving a lower than usual mark on an exam. But Bertholdt says nothing, he can't seem to find the words he wants to say. It was just _one_ exam, it shouldn't have been so concerning as long as he finds a way to boost his average. It'll work out, it always works out. When he tries to convince his mother of that, she can only stand from her chair, pulling the boy out of his as he is dragged to one of their bedrooms. 

It's cold in there, curtains blocking whatever bits of lights had been seeping through prior to this moment. His stomach _twists_ as she reaches over the closet door for one of his father's belts. A small _click_ of the lock being pressed down is enough to make his heart sink.

She beats him until his skin is raw and he can do nothing but whimper out in pain. Pleads for help seemed futile, there was no hope in the situation. 

As soon as she stops, the young boy finds himself sick. His stomach slowly churns with disgust as he makes a quick dash to the bathroom. Sweaty hands grip against the ceramic bowl of the toilet as he empties out his gut. 

It is alluring, almost, when he feels relieved shortly after the purge. Cupping his mouth, Bertholdt stands silently and leaves to his bedroom.

Bertholdt is seventeen years old when he begins filling out his college applications. He had done fairly well in high school, and an acceptance was almost guaranteed for any of the schools he had applied for. This was an accomplishment hard won from hours and hours of the dedication he had poured into his studies. Rarely did he have any time to leisurely do what he wanted.

Weeks later, acceptance letters come piling in the mail with his name plastered along the thick sheets of white paper. He gets accepted into all of the colleges apart from one. His mother is livid, and her although her initial intention was to give him only a scolding, he somehow finds himself locked in another dark room as a belt whips against his skin. The only question he can ask himself is: _why?_ What had he done so wrong to deserve this.

Neither of his parents comment on the rest of his acceptance letters. That same night, he empties his gut out with two commanding fingers.

Bertholdt is eighteen when he begins college. He had chosen child psychology as his major, because it seemed like a promising one. Almost instantly, he finds himself in love with the subject. It's so fascinating, his attention intensely absorbed into each lesson. He feels himself getting smarter as he learns all sorts of interesting things.

But while there's enjoyment in his studies, his mind somehow becomes focused on mastering the alluring feeling of _constantly_ feeling so empty. He goes to class with a hollow stomach, and after dinner what little he eats ends up in the toilet. Lunch is the only time he allows a small amount of nutrients to enter his system, but albeit, with low-calorie meals. It was never because he didn't like himself, but rather that the feeling of emptiness felt so very satisfying.

He meets Reiner through a party he had been invited to. It was only through rare instances where he was ever able to enjoy himself, so he took this invitation as an opportunity. Although Bertholdt does, Reiner does not drink. Reiner is quick to offer support as it quickly became evident that the other had an incredibly low tolerance for alcohol. Probably because his stomach was so empty, and that this had been the first thing to enter his system in hours. 

While Bertholdt struggles to stand, Reiner manages to keep him up by quite literally offering his shoulder to lean on. Somehow, Bertholdt finds himself in a bathroom, throwing up while comforting hands rub his back. His vision blurs and the last he could remember was hearing someone yell something across the hall. He thought he heard someone asking what dorm he was in, but couldn't tell. Everything sounded _so_ _muffled_. He wasn't sure of much as his senses had temporarily been lost.

The following morning, Bertholdt wakes in a panic realizing he'll be late for class. The room he's in seems unfamiliar, and he's not sure how he had gotten there. He couldn't remember much of anything from the night before.

"It's Saturday." 

"What?"

"It's Saturday," repeats the voice again. He turns his head to find himself staring at a small blonde girl who's attention is now focused on him. There's a throbbing ache in his head and the words he wishes to speak refuse to escape from his mouth. It... was an embarrassing situation. He'd never gotten drunk before and he could only assume the pain he now felt was a consequential hangover.

"You passed out last night at that party, and so we took you with us."

Who is _we,_ he wondered. But he is so tired, and to stay awake is only an embarrassing reminder of the mistake he had made. 

Upon waking up, the story is explained to him which only worsens his state of embarrassment. Apparently, Reiner, the guy he had met hours prior to this, was the one who suggested he be brought to their dorm. Bertholdt isn't sure how to offer his gratitude, so his only response is to dejectedly groan out of humiliation. His grip tightens against the quilt that had been put on top of him during his rest.

Annie, the girl he had seen earlier, comes into the room with some kind of sports drink. Bertholdt gives a doleful look after taking a scan through the nutrition label. Apparently the drink contained 70 calories, which didn't seem like much, but for such a _small_ drink this seemed like a massive amount. But out of obligation, he unscrews the cap, drinking the entire thing because he felt _so thirsty_ and he was almost sure there was nothing in his system anyway. There's a feeling of unsettlement rising in his stomach, but he fights with all his will to avoid making another mess on the floor.

Seeming slightly bothered, Annie shoots Reiner a look that reads: _why did we let a drunk stranger into our dorm?_ And while the other says nothing, Bertholdt could tell Reiner felt sympathetic. Perhaps under the muscular and, slightly intimidating appearance, was someone who was genuinely kind and willing.

None of them speak for the rest of the day, until Bertholdt receives a message from his roommate, Eren, who was wondering why the boy had not returned back to their dorm. Bertholdt sends a response back making up some bullshit excuse about how his grandmother was ill and how he was left with the responsibility to care for her. In a way, it was nice not having to deal with Eren for a while. He was short-tempered and got along with almost no one. 

Eventually the awkward silence becomes too much for Bertholdt. Some few hours pass and he states he can no longer stay with the two. But because unfortune is in his fate, Reiner asks to exchange numbers with him. He didn't really want to, actually, he found the concept of friendship to be meaningless, but declining so would only put himself out to seem rude.

Even worse, after their exchange, Reiner offers the other a ride back to his dorm. It was hard to decline this offer, considering that his legs felt like Jell-O, and he wasn't sure if he was able to walk that long of a distance. The estimated walk was about fifteen minutes long, so he says yes because he's already put his body through enough abuse for one day.

Reiner's car was a silver Toyota which, on the inside, smelled strongly of air freshener and looked like it was well kept for. As Bertholdt awkwardly fumbles with his seat belt, Reiner's eyebrows become knitted together before stating the obvious: _"you're very thin."_ There is what, Bertholdt might think is concern, plastered along the other's face. Of course he was thin, he rarely ever ate. But it felt selfish to burden someone, especially _a stranger_ no less, to talk about his problems.

So he doesn't. They sit in silence throughout the entire ride until Bertholdt's destination had been reached. While he had thanked the other saying goodbye, he'd hoped he'd never have to interact with the two he had spent his entire day with ever again. It felt too embarrassing.


	2. Chapter 2

Bertholdt quickly grows to become disgusted with himself. Over the past few days he'd learnt the mechanics of having an eating disorder. It felt... odd, somehow, to label himself into that category. It felt horrifying, also, to actually experience all of what he'd read online.

There were very few instances in which he was fully able to keep his balance still. There was that horrific experience of the entire world seeming to _tilt_ each time he stood. It'd take him seconds, sometimes minutes to gather himself back to a functional state. Walking also seemed so very difficult to do. There was an inexplicable pain on the left corner of his hip that just refused to go away no matter how often he attempted to place a solution to the issue.

Classes too eventually became difficult to follow up on. It'd been a month since they'd started, and already he felt himself falling behind. He was always _so tired,_ without the energy provided by calories, surely exhaustion would follow. But despite all these consequences, there was never a moment where he couldn't imagine the food entering his system and how it would stick to his bones, turning into fat. He didn't want to go a day without having to experience the hollowness in his stomach that made him feel so _exhilarated_. It was a maladaptive coping mechanism, and he didn't ever want to bring it to an end. He was cold, he was tired, but he was also, somehow, happy. Even if he consequentially knew, he would eventually _die_ from this. 

But after considering all of what his parents had said to him in the past, such a slow death of deterioration seemed to suit him just fine.

Eren, as dimwitted as he is, quickly discovers that something is terribly wrong with his roommate. Bertholdt knew this was coming, anyone, even the dumbest of people could tell. And it's during a Sunday morning when the other finally says something. Bertholdt is struggling to keep himself still when the brunette asks if he's feeling alright. Evidentially, he wasn't. His hair is so brittle, little bits would fall out on some occasions. There were dark circles under his eyes indicating a lack of sleep from the hunger pains that would keep him up at night. He looked like _shit_ and there was no other way of putting this. But like always, out of a sense of shame, Bertholdt denies that there is any sort of issue.

Eren says nothing, likely because the two aren't close enough for him to prod on the issue. It wasn't worth mentioning for someone you knew practically nothing about.

But during the evening, Bertholdt can only dig his teeth into the skin of his forearm as a small basket of snacks appears in front of his bed. He'd been out for most of the day studying at the library, so to see this felt... overwhelming. It was likely put together by Eren's friend Armin, who came around frequently. Eren had probably mentioned Bertholdt. It felt embarrassing, to have others perceive you like this.

The snack basket was practically filled to the rim with all sorts of goodies that any normal college student would have appreciated. He feels so small, and his stomach was practically _begging_ to be fed. In that moment, his hands develop brains of their own, ripping at the snack packaging, shoving the contents into his mouth. Eating hurt more than it ought've. And for a moment, he felt as if he were seconds away from welcoming death. The pain was so unexpected. But as this phase begins to waver down, he comes to the realization of what he'd just done. Over a thousand calories had so viciously been devoured. It felt selfish, it felt _sloppy_ , so unlike him to do such a thing. 

So his natural response is to do the usual. 

He spends nearly an hour squatting down in front of the toilet bowl emptying out all of what had just previously entered his stomach. He throws it all up until nothing but bile mixed with saliva is the only thing being forced out of his system. And relivingly, that brought and end to it all.

Bertholdt cries himself to sleep that night. The now empty basket, sitting in his disposal bin. Clinging onto it served as a sad reminder of what had happened. Hugging his small, fragile body, he tries to think of a sweeter memory, in an attempt to forget about the new one he'd just created.

A number of days pass, and Bertholdt picks up the habit of smoking, because he'd read somewhere that it suppresses your appetite. He couldn't decipher what was worse: smelling like an ashtray, or having to deal with the physical and psychological pain of starvation.

In the end, the first option seemed much more tolerable. Even if his roommate hated his newly developed habit, and even if the money in his bank account slowly began to vanish. _It's worth it,_ is what he would constantly tell himself.

On the worst of his days, Bertholdt does not expect a phone call. He'd arrived back to his dorm after a tedious eight hours of study. The walk he took almost felt like he was walking towards the direction of _death_. His phone rings once or twice, and upon reading the name on the caller ID, his heart is nearly sent into a frenzy. Reluctantly though, with shaking finger, he answers the call.

Reiner talks to him on the other end of the line as if they were best of friends, like they had known each other for the longest of time. Bertholdt does not know how to respond when given an invitation out to lunch the following weekend. The other, waiting a response had probably assumed he'd hung up declining the offer with the amount of time he takes to come up with one. He accepts the offer, out of guilt and obligation because it'd make him seem so utterly selfish to decline. It made him feel so sad to know that this was yet another person he'd have to blatantly lie to.

The arrival of the dreaded weekend arrives and when it does, panic is the only thing that embraces the overly anxious boy. He'd dropped a whopping three pounds since the phone call, and there was an overwhelming amount of lanugo covering various parts of his body which only gave him another reason to hate himself even more. He hated himself but what he hated more was having to constantly lie to people whenever they asked how he was doing. It always felt so painful to deceive people in such a way.

Bertholdt knew that there was no real way of hiding this. No matter how many layers of clothing he wore, or how many times he put on a fake smile, the problem was still there, and he couldn't hide behind any of these things for so long.

Bertholdt almost wants to cry when he sits down with Reiner at a small table in a caf _é_. The other boy is so _perfect._ The way he laughs, the way he smiles, the way he presents himself. And he can feel his self-esteem beginning to spiral down when the blonde briefly places his hands on top of his. They're so soft and gentle, in comparison to his own bony, scabbed hands 

He eats nothing during their outing, and when asked if he's hungry he says no because all he can think about is how much he'd regret putting something into his system when he doesn't really deserve it. Reiner doesn't look like he believes him but says nothing despite the worry in his eyes. Bertholdt selfishly wants to laugh, because the situation seemed so funny to him. Especially when he's asked if he's feeling alright. But like always, he says he's doing just fine, which was nothing but a bullshit lie. He was really on the verge of killing himself, and eventually it would happen.

But the two go on sitting and talking for hours, somehow getting to know each other despite how anxious Bertholdt felt. Maybe it was easier to converse with someone who seemed to be so patient despite how awful you were at doing these things.

Eventually their outing comes to an end after a while, and the only thing Bertholdt can think about how fucking hungry he felt. There was a loud ringing in his ears and he couldn't quite seem to catch what Reiner was trying to say. It probably wasn't important but a deep feeling of guilt keeps pouring out of him in a way that makes him want to repent for what he's doing.

His legs feel weak and of course the other picks up on this asking once again if he's really feeling alright. But there's too much shame in the answer he wants to give, so he says yes dropping little bits of uncertainty in that statement. It hurt so much to lie like that. It hurt so much to just stand and breathe next to someone in the way he did, and subconsciously the only thing he had hoped for was his heart to stop beating. He was already dying but the sooner it happened, the better.

But of course, because he felt that God had despised him, his legs somehow feel shakier than usual and the ringing in his ears begins to grow louder and louder. He pretends not to see the worried look that's given to him again, because there was _nothing_ to be worried about in the first place. The world does not seem to be in his favor and for a moment, everything seems to go blank. The final thought he could come up with while this was happening was that _it was expected_. Just not that it would happen here, and now. He wants to apologize but doesn't get the chance to.

Somehow, he wakes up in the same room he was in a few weeks ago. He recognizes the familiar quilt that had been put on him, it was there again. He doesn't want to be awake so he closes his eyes wishing that sleep would take him, but it doesn't. The hollow pain in his stomach is overbearing.

His eyes remain closed even as he can hear the sound of someone putting a plate of food on the small, folding table next to him. Whatever it was that was prepared for him smelled _so good_ , or maybe it was just his hunger making the meal seem better than it actually was. Someone calls out his name, but he doesn't have the energy to speak. It was a feminine voice, likely to be that same girl named Annie he had last met when he was last here after the drinking incident. She gives up after a while leaving the plate of food near him as he continues on with his act of pretending to be asleep.

He realizes that he must've fallen asleep after a while, because upon opening his eyes, he notices the plate from earlier had now vanished. Reiner is sitting on a chair a few feet away from him. When he makes an attempt to speak, the sound coming out from his mouth sounds so hoarse. His throat feels dry, like sandpaper, and it feels almost as if it's being split into pieces with a blade.

Bertholdt quickly places a hand in front of his mouth as he realizes how awful he actually sounds, and that speaking would take up too much of his energy. This only signals Reiner to fix him another meal, and he feels so, so guilty.

Moments later, a bowl of noodles is placed beside him and he can't bring himself to eat it. He can't bear to see the look on Reiner's face, because he knew at any moment, that this would result in a breakdown. It was really so pathetic, they barely knew each other and already he was fucking up whatever opportunity he had to make a new friend.

Reiner quietly tells the boy that it's alright to eat and that he wants him to. Out of obligation he picks up the pair of chopsticks laying near the bowl as he shoves a twirl of noodles into his mouth. It was flavorful. He eats it all in record speed surreptitiously attempting to hold himself back before he makes the mistake of asking for more. After what had happened a few moments prior to this one, he didn't deserve the luxury of filling his body with nutrients.

Bertholdt pulls the blanket off his body realizing that just _being there_ was putting himself out to seem like such a burden. He ignores Reiner's pleads when he tells the other that he should stay. But Bertholdt isn't dumb, and he knows that staying there would only result in another meal practically being shoved into his face. So he leaves, because leaving is the one thing he's good at. That and running away. He wanted to scream for help but couldn't.

The arrival at his dorm makes him want to break down even more. Eren is seated in the small kitchen with his boyfriend Jean, playing a game of cards. As he hangs his jacket up on one of the hooks, his heart seems to break as he silently watches the two laugh and smile, completely ignoring his arrival. He wishes to establish a relationship with someone, _anyone,_ but realizes that wish is nothing more than a mere fantasy because he is so _fucked up_ and it's no wonder why he's alone.

The thought of what he had just done with Reiner makes his stomach churn with disgust. His heart is pounding and he feels _so guilty._ His legs begin to wobble again, and he feels himself beginning to break into an anxious sweat. His thoughts are racing and his wobbly legs somehow bring him into his bedroom where he digs through one of his bags, searching for a small, plastic box. In it contains a razor, one that he'd gotten a while ago for shaving purposes.

In this moment Bertholdt becomes conflicted with himself. A rational part of his brain is screaming at him to cope in a healthier way, to dispose of the razor and go about things as a normal person would. But he doesn't think, he doesn't hesitate as he presses the metal against his forearm. The first cut stung, as deep as it was, and he could feel the skin breaking. It was painful and he felt awful. But all he wanted was a moment of peace. And somehow, this served as a distraction. His negative thoughts come to a temporary halt as the repeated number of red lines begin to grow on his arm, warm with fresh blood.

At night, he finds himself unable to sleep. His time is spent staring at the ceiling above him wondering when it had all gone so wrong. He tries not to pick at the bandage on his arm, fearful that he will consequentially catch an infection.

Minutes spent staring at the ceiling turn into hours. Sleep still does not come to him, and he eventually gives up on an attempt to rest as he miserably drags himself out of his bed. He stares himself down in the bathroom mirror trying not to think about how horribly fucked up he is. 

He feels so guilty.


	3. Chapter 3

It isn't so easy to accept help. It also isn't easy to admit that you had a problem, and that problem being yourself.

Lately these days Bertholdt finds himself feeling overwhelmingly conflicted with the amount of decisions he's left to make. Reiner calls him frequently, as if they know each other so well. Their calls are usually short-lived, with Bertholdt's end of the line remaining silent throughout most of it. He doesn't know what to say, and he doesn't know how to respond each time the other speaks, dropping all sorts of hints of worry and concern. It wasn't his duty to be concerned. It especially wasn't his responsibility to care for someone he barely knew either.

But eventually again, came another invitation for an outing. He says yes because he thinks it's alright to occasionally be human for once. He eats and talks and laughs and pretends to be okay because he knows it's what's expected from him. He smiles, thinking that continuing on with this act will eventually bring these false emotions to feel genuine. They go out nearly every weekend now.

But he's wrong, because they don't.

Instead, he feels worse. Somehow, there's an extra tightness in his pants indicating a weight gain and he can't help but feel _guilty._ Like there's so much that's wrong in attempting to piece himself together. More and more of these invitations pop up and he feels inclined to say yes each time they do.

Until one day he decides that he's had enough, because he can no longer keep up with the act of pretending and spreading so many blatant lies.

Each time Reiner attempts to reach out to him, he makes up some bullshit excuse about having an exam to study for, or taking care of a grandmother who's really no longer alive.

He realizes that he's not fine but nobody has to know this.

There's always a twinge of guilt each time he hears the other's voice speak on the line, giving a dejected but hopeful _'okay, maybe next time'_ as a response. Reiner is kind and understanding, and Bertholdt truthfully admits he is not deserving of such treatment.

Out of shame, more and more red lines appear on his wrist.

He's falling behind.

He tries not to think about the excessive amount of overdue assignments that have been left blank for weeks now. There aren't any more chances, he realizes this as he's on the border of failing for the semester.

His mind is somehow, still too occupied on the obsessive need to lose as much weight as one could humanly manage.

Things feel worse than usual. He can almost never have a moment when he's properly able to keep himself still. The tilting seems worse and there are occasionally tiny specks of stars that align his vision. A rational part of his brain is screaming at him to admit that _yes_ , he had a problem and it was one that was solvable with the acceptance of help. But another nasty part of himself refused to break free of these chains that continuously weighed him down.

Bertholdt knows there is someone who cares. It didn't seem logical to think he was actually alone, despite what his brain constantly told him. But he feels so anxious, that and guilty. So he stops responding to Reiner's texts, because he feels the situation can be handled on his own. He didn't like to put his vulnerability on a display stand for everyone to see.

He tries to go on as if nothing is wrong. He keeps pretending. He wants to disappear.

Exams come sooner than expected. Bertholdt pours as much effort as he could possibly muster into doing well on them. He'd spent hours doing revision, trying not to lose his collective shit as he realized the due date was arriving soon.

He tries not to break down when staring at his computer screen for hours. The words staring back at him seem jumbled, like they're moving around and he almost feels as if he's on drugs. He turns his computer on and off in a futile attempt to somehow regain his focus. But that method fails and he realizes that the most rational decision would be to eat something, because he wasn't going to allow himself to slack off like this.

In an attempt to recollect his energy, he swallows down a disgusting bowl of chicken noodle soup with some apple slices on the side. He swallows thickly trying so hard to keep the food in his stomach, but realizes he can't hold it in as he soon finds himself crouching in front of the bathroom toilet. His back aches and he doesn't want to do this again, but his stomach refuses to comply. His organs were failing.

He retches until his body decides he's had enough. Tears and sweat roll down his face and he tries so hard to compose himself after this.

Exam week comes and goes and when his results arrive, he discovers he's done worse than the majority of his classmates. He looks up a list of suicide methods that night. He makes a half-assed attempt to bring his heart to a stop by swallowing twenty-three of his sleeping pills.

However, he wakes the following morning in a sweat and cries not having expected to still, somehow be here.

People are beginning to notice but he pretends not to see.

One day, during his evening classes, a teacher approaches him. Her name is Pieck and she apparently works in the cosmetology department. It's during a moment where Bertholdt can barely formulate the words he wishes to speak. His mind feels fuzzy and he's afraid saying _anything_ will only worsen the situation. He's already done enough to embarrass himself, getting noticed like this by a teacher was humiliating. He wasn't going to ask for help, no matter how much he secretly wanted to.

Pieck says nothing but instead shoves a protein bar into his hands.

Hours later he plays around with the wrapping of the bar while sitting on the sheets of his bed. He doesn't eat it.

A month later Reiner calls him asking if he wanted to go for a study session despite the fact that they had two different majors. Bertholdt doesn't turn him down and agrees to seeing him sometime over the weekend.

When asked how he's doing Bertholdt quickly admits to coming close to failure with his classes. Reiner doesn't believe him at first until he pulls out his tablet scrolling through the list of his grades. He felt so ashamed of himself.

Reiner on the other hand seemed to be doing well. He'd been able to create a good study schedule, one he could actually follow with a limited amount of distractions which lead to slightly above average scores on his exams. Bertholdt quickly grows to become envious, even if he was completely at fault for his own failures. He tries not to think about how sick he felt the week before his exams.

After a few hours of talking, Reiner asks if he'd like to go out again. This time they were next to each other. Bertholdt's emotions were on full display, he wasn't able to conceal them in the way he had done over the phone. He wants to come up with yet another excuse but can't. It wasn't easy to lie when the person you were speaking to was physically in your presence.

A comforting hand is placed onto his. He tries not to look so weak but fails, per usual. They make an agreement to start seeing each other again, so Bertholdt wouldn't have to feel so alone all the time. He'd never been cared for in such a way, it almost made him feel as if things were going to be okay for once.

They share a dinner together one night.

It's a dinner at Reiner's dorm and Bertholdt is so giddy when a compliment is passed onto him. _You look good_ is what he's told. His mind tells him those words are nothing but a lie, but for once he wants to allow himself to be happy. So he believes them.

Bertholdt quickly discovers that Reiner is a terrible cook. He's made an... odd attempt at a lasagna. The insides are mushy while the sides are slightly crispy. It smells horrible. But Bertholdt says nothing as he shoves a forkful of the food into his mouth. It tasted awful.

Sometime later they sit down on the sofa talking, while some ridiculous show about traveling plays on the television. His stomach hurts and he tries to keep everything in again. He doesn't want to ruin the tinniest source of his happiness.

They spend all their time lollygagging, talking about stupid things that don't really matter. Eventually the topic of reincarnation is brought up, Reiner thinks it'd be nice to be reincarnated as a bird, so he could freely fly around doing as he'd like. But somehow, Bertholdt finds the idea of reincarnation to seem grossly unfair by his standards. It'd be nice not having to do anything anymore, to do nothing without ever worrying about stress or pain.

The idea of reincarnation seemed silly, so they stop talking about it.

To Bertholdt, the idea of genuine happiness seemed strange. It seemed even stranger to be wanted by someone. Strangely enough, Reiner wants more of Bertholdt's company. He asks him to stay the night. He doesn't know how to respond, likely because this was the first time he had ever been asked to sleep over somewhere. It felt awkward; _strange._

He wants to say no but out comes a _yes, I would love to_ which sounded a bit more desperate than intended.

They sleep eventually, or try to. Not in the same bed, or on a sofa together, but in the same room. With Reiner on the floor and Bertholdt on the bed which had sacrificially been given to him.

The pain in his stomach hurts like hell, and he wants to vomit but willingly accepts that he can't. Not here, not now. It was a challenge. An attempt to keep himself composed felt like an actual challenge given to him possibly by God. He's tired and he wants to sleep but his mind refuses to shut down. There are so many pounding voices in his head that won't shut up and he thinks this is just his luck.

While Reiner is able to sleep peacefully seemingly throughout most of the night, Bertholdt can only manage to get a whopping two hours of rest.

Morning comes, as expected. Bertholdt hadn't been able to sleep another wink.

When asked if he slept well, he can only lie saying he did. He doesn't want to cause any unnecessary worry. They both get up.

Breakfast is served and it's a disgusting plate of scrambled eggs which didn't look close to being fully cooked. The taste was awful, Bertholdt comes close to spitting it out or choking on the poorly prepared meal. It was probably the worst thing he'd eaten in weeks. Still, he says nothing and pretends to enjoy his miserable little breakfast. There's still some hope left for the banana slices.


End file.
